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1. Haunted [DAII]

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Description

Dragon Age II Fanfiction. Sequel to my one-shot "Afterglow" [link]
First: here!
Next:[link]


Hawke knows two things. First, if she and her friends don't run hard and fast, they're all dead. Second, Anders is never getting anywhere near her heart again. But when legendary Grey Warden Joseph Amell is sent to hunt them down, everyone will have to decide what's really worth fighting for... and how much they're willing to sacrifice in the name of justice.


I'd be grateful for any constructive critiques about execution, characterization, structure, etc. in this.

Athena/Joseph/Story © WynBird
Everything else © Bioware
Work also featured on Fanfiction.net - [link]


Dear watchers: I'm sorry that fanfiction is the only thing I seem to post nowadays. Please forgive me.
© 2013 - 2024 WynBird
Comments6
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Billini's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

Hi,
I am no native speaker, but still I hope to be able to give constructive feedback ^^
First of all: That was an impressive start. I think your writing style is very intense, especially by the way you use short flashbacks to describe what has happened in Kirkwall. Therefore the technique and impact is nearly 100 Percent for me. Vision and originality a bit less, here I will wait where the story is going <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":-)" title=":-) (Smile)"/>
You have chosen a very challenging start: A Hawke who was in love with Anders, but obviously won't be able to forgive him and turns to Fenris instead. At least it looks that way right now. I personally love Fenris and like Anders, so let me tell you which thoughts went through my mind when I read this chapter and do with it what you like <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":-)" title=":-) (Smile)"/>
1. Your Hawkes reaction to what Anders did and calling the men she lived with the last years a maleficar and abonimation, is... "extreme" (sorry, that probably sounds more harshly then meant. I hope you know what I mean.) It's understandable, but it also made me feel sorry for Anders.
2. Merrill and Aveline: You captured them perfectly with only a few words.
3. Fenris: I simply LOVE the way you portray him. And I love the idea of a relationship with him after the events in DA2 and based on "only" friendship.
I hope my feedback and thoughts were valuable for you.
As I said - that was a GREAT start!!
Regards
Billini